Allen and I have always wanted a big family, so naturally we were very excited to find out we were pregnant with our third baby. The pregnancy was pretty normal. I thought I knew what I was up against after facing some challenges with my daughters. But, at exactly 20wks, my water broke. We rushed to the hospital and stayed overnight for observation. Thankfully labor didn't start and we were able to go home but I would be on bedrest the remainder of my pregnancy. I knew others with PROM and was reassured that their littles were all doing well now. I thought, if I just stayed on bedrest and made it to 22wks I could be admitted to UIHC and we would be okay. We might have an extended NICU stay, but I really believed my baby would be coming home.
On February 27, 2019, we had an ultrasound and consultation at 8AM with the perinatal clinic at UIHC. We had come in through the ER about 6AM because I woke to cramping in the middle of the night and knew that was a potential symptom of either labor or an infection. Doctors in L&D verified I wasn’t in labor and sent me on to my ultrasound. During the ultrasound the technician brought the high-risk doctor and nurses in. They explained that the ultrasound showed my placenta had attached to my uterine wall and, in one spot, through the wall up against my bladder. I knew immediately what she was describing. Placenta Accreta. My previous deliveries had ended in c-sections and I knew this was a potential risk for future pregnancies, but my early ultrasound showed a healthy pregnancy. I was in shock.
I was immediately admitted into the hospital and scheduled for an MRI and started on antibiotics for a possible uterine infection. The MRI was terrible. None of the nurses or technicians knew why I was there, and made small talk about my new baby. It was too much. My emotions finally caught up with me in the MRI machine. I was crying, but had to keep still so the images would turn out.
Once back in my room I started more antibiotics. The infection was worsening and I was septic. I was tired, hot, and had a fever. A multidiscipline team of doctors was brainstorming the best plan for us and came in frequently to share and get our thoughts. We explained the most important aspects for us were controlling my bleeding and being able to hold our child. The final plan was to prepare for a cesarean section/hysterectomy, hoping my placenta would come out on its own and my uterus could be saved. I was taken into surgery and put under general anesthesia about 6PM.
At 7:07PM Theodore Allen Vanderwiel was born alive. The doctors did all they could to save him, but he was just too small at 20wks 4 days. He passed minutes after he was born. The nurse brought Theo to Allen so he could hold him right away, a request I made as they were prepping me in the OR. I will forever be grateful for that.
I remained in surgery for another 5 hours. The infection was worse than the doctors had anticipated and I lost a lot of blood. I received 5 units of blood in surgery. The bleeding became uncontrollable and doctors decided a hysterectomy was needed to save my life. After surgery I was placed in ICU and received another 2 units of blood while there. Allen, my sister, and a close friend were able to finally see me around 1AM. Allen told me we had a boy and showed me his footprints. My heart was so full and so devastated. We got our boy, but we don’t get to keep him. And, we will not have anymore.
The next day I met Theo. I was nervous at first, not sure what he would look like being so small. But, the minute I saw him I knew he was perfect. He looked just like his sisters. We had a chaplain come and place a blessing on him, something I’ll always cherish.
I remained in ICU for 4 days and then moved to a regular hospital room for a day. The day we left the hospital was so hard. The last week had been so emotionally intense. How was I now supposed to “go back to normal life”? There isn’t such a thing.
It has been 2 years since Theo went home to Jesus. I remember early days being so dark; I truly couldn’t function and wondered how I would ever find the light. I’ve worked really hard to be where I am now. I couldn’t do this without the love and support from family and friends, thank you. NFTS has shown me a community of families who are doing amazing things in honor of their angels. My confidence and PRIDE in talking about my angel just like my other kids has grown thanks to the encouragement from this organization. I am especially joyful that my girls can talk about and love their brother as if he were here on Earth.
“These are my footprints, so perfect and so small. These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all. Not one tiny footprint, for now I have wings. These tiny footprints were meant for other things. You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain. Gentile drops like angel’s tears, of joy and not from pain. You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies’ lazy dance. I’ll let you know I’m with you, if you just give me the chance. You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves. Most of all, these tiny footprints are found on Mommy and Daddy’s hearts, cause even though I’m gone now, we’ll never truly part.” – Author unknown
My sweet boy – I have no doubts you are enjoying the best birthday cake in the BEST place. We miss you every day and will continue to celebrate you until we meet again. Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday.
IN HONOR AND CELEBRATION OF THEO, DONATIONS CAN BE MADE HERE. ON BEHALF OF THE VANDERWIEL FAMILY, THANK YOU FOR YOUR GIFT.
